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Sober, sort of…

Or maybe I’m sort of sober? I wasn’t sure how to title this come-back post today. Well, it’s early in the day, so I am sober, and not hungover, especially because last night I had only 4 drinks — FOUR! That’s down from my usual 6, occasional 7 and sometimes 8. Part of me is high though — my blood pressure, it’s 145/95 this morning. Whoa! That is high, especially the 95 part, not good. But I’ve been averaging around 145/88 for ages, for as long as I’ve been drinking heavily. But enough about that.

My blood pressure will drop dramatically in the next few days, to normal levels again I suspect, just as it did the last time I quit drinking. Oh, I can hear the snickers….”Nelson, you’re going to actually quit drinking? Sure, right buddy!!!”.

Right. Well, that’s the plan, Stan. My new plan. Er…my newest plan of all the plans that I’ve planned and failed miserably at — except for a few years ago. Check back there in my posts and I did sober up for almost a year. I blame Covid for derailing me. Hey, it was a good excuse, I thought I was doomed.

Anyway, I’ve continued to see a very good therapist for many years. I have a top-notch addictions doctor I’m working with recently. She’s given me Gabapentin to take to help with the inevitable insomnia I get when I cut back. So far so good! I’m down from 6 to 4 over the last few days. I hope to be down to 2 or 3 within a few days, then to zero by the end of the week — then back on the Antabuse for as long as I need.

I’m going to do it this time, folks. I’ve had enough. I’m 64 years old and I don’t want to waste any more of my time or God given gifts going forward. I feel healed enough within myself to let go of the alcohol again, and hopefully once and for all.

This I plan. This I hope. This I pray.

See you there.

Nelson

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Add title…

And so it continues…

Tonight, after spending the afternoon in the pub with friends mourning the loss of the gal – a dear friend – I spent the last 3 years with almost every day…her name was Cheryl…have I mentioned her? I can’t remember. She had cancer. After Covid passed, a few of us continued to meet outside around the corner from the pub in a beautiful green space, almost every day, until late January. She died on Valentine’s Day.

Anyway, a few others from out of town used to join us. Today we met up at Cheryl’s favourite pub and had a few — ok, more than a few — in Cheryl’s honour. It was a good time. Then I went home and almost burned my place down.

No, not really. I was playing a video game and had put on a pot of boiling water with some butter in it to make some noodles, and forgot all about it. When the smoke detector went off…holy crap…I couldn’t believe how much smoke there was in my apartment!!! Just from one tablespoon of butter! I had to disconnect my smoke detector while the smoke cleared, which took about 15 minutes. As it was clearing I thought to myself….”So THIS is how old people like me end up inadvertadvently dying from smoke inhalation”. Was a bit of a wake up call, but I was too drunk to really care. Mostly.

So ya, there we go, another day in paradise. I had blood work done today…on the advice of my Addictions doctor, who I see next Wednesday. She said she wanted to see where I’m at physically as I go into my planned detox/slow-wean off the booze this week.

Yes, yes, the “slow-wean” was supposed to be last week while I’m on vacation, but it hasn’t worked out that way. I HAVE been relaxing and exercising — back to the gym 3 times now, where I haven’t been since Covid. And I’m running a couple times a week as well, which I’ve always done. And I do have one more week off. So, that’s all good I’d say? One step at a time – as I said about 15 years ago. I’m a slow learner. No surprise there…story of my life!

Well, so, ya, there ya go, that’s my uninspiring update for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Hopefully. I do pray — and I am praying these days. More about that later…..

Take care, friends.

Nelson.

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Better antihistamines than alcohol…

stopsign

I just lit my candle and took my Antabuse, like a good little boy. But, I was a bad boy a couple of days ago, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that.

Yes, yes, yes, I did it again — stopped taking the Antabuse so that I could drink. Well, it was my oldest, longest best friends birthday this week! And my other best friend was in town! Excuses, excuses, I know — I know!

But I did learn something, especially yesterday as I suffered all day with one of those, “Oh God, I’m going to die”, hangovers. I learned that I don’t need to put myself through that kind of shit anymore. I mean, really, I don’t need to do that to myself — my friends just aren’t worth it. I don’t mean that I don’t care about them. On the contrary, I love those guys. What I mean is that I care about myself more now. It isn’t worth putting my own health and well being at risk — for anyone, or anything.

My therapist thinks I’ve had a breakthrough, so now she’s going to let them unlock my room at night!!! Just kidding, but fact is, in the not so distant past I probably should have been locked up, in a rehab anyway.

But seriously, no more quitting the Antabuse so I can go drink with my friends. I can say that quite confidently because along with that breakthrough another interesting thing has happened. Remember when I used to say how boring it was to go to the bar with my buddies and just sit there and drink the virgin beer? Well, that’s suddenly changed. Last week (before my lapse) I had some jolly good times with the old blokes while I was drinking the virgin beer — and wasn’t bored at all! When I described this to my therapist she said with delight, “You’ve changed your dance step!” It’s like when dancing rock and roll with someone, you’re bopping along and not particularly enjoying it, so you change the way you are dancing and then you’re totally loving it. They don’t change, but you do.

So there you go. Going forward, I don’t need or want to quit taking the Antabuse so that I can enjoy the time with my friends. Ideally, I’d like to not have to use the Antabuse, but if that’s what keeps me from drinking, I will keep taking it. Yes, as I mentioned in my last blog entry, it gives me a mild rash, but the antihistamines control that — thank God.

Better antihistamines than alcohol.

Nelson
💜💜💜
…Like in the military, Purple Hearts for those wounded by addiction…

 

 

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Profound despair…

I think I have identified a common thread for most alcoholics. I’ve been observing my “bar-buddy’s” lately for this, then this morning it hit me. Many, if not most, alcoholics suffer supreme loneliness and profound despair towards life. The despair is a shared sentiment and feeling of, “There is nothing that I can do to improve my lot in life, so I might as well just drink. At least it gives me some relief”. The loneliness drives them to the pub’s and bar’s for at least some semblance of a social life and freedom from the “four walls” for the single ones, or from the horror at home for the rest.

Do I include myself in this morose description? To some extent, yes. And well, we often have to really know something, experience it ourselves, before we can recognize it in others. I live alone. Many nights I can’t bear to be at home along and so go to the pub for relief from the loneliness and boredom. At least my pub friends understand me, accept me, even care about me and visa versa. My despair towards life comes from feeling that I have little or no control over changing the things that bother me, in many cases for years and years living with a profound sense of loss of myself. Approaching 60, I often feel that life has passed me by, that I have spent most of my time and energy just barely surviving. Not achieving, like so many others I see around me. I’m just surviving, barely surviving. That’s discouraging, extremely discouraging.

And yet, I think that what makes a bit of a difference for me is that for some blessed reason I awaken each day with a small glimmer of hope. Hope that one day, perhaps even today, I will be free from the need for alcohol. Hope, that I will yet be able to become fully me, before it’s too late.

I hope that I can somehow pass that glimmer of hope on to my friends. Too many seem so lost in their loneliness, so lost in their despair. God, guide me.