Posted on by Nelson · 7 Comments

Back in the saddle…

Well hello my dear readers of times past, if any of you are still subscribed. I have decided to start writing again, given that I’m still alive, given that I’ve kept drinking. I think I’m still alive because I’m a “Professional Alcoholic” as they say. Well, to be more precise with the current parlance, I’m a “Highly Functioning Alcoholic”….meaning I don’t drink 24/7…I just drink in the evenings — quite a lot, but not so much that it impairs me too much to be able to “function” well tomorrow. 6, 7, sometimes 8 beers? I guess I’m lucky.

All that said, I’m am on a quest…a renewed quest to get off the bottle soon. I’m 64 years old. My life isn’t going anywhere while I’m continuing the drink. But I have a good excuse! In the last 2 months I’ve had 4 people close to me die. Not from the drink! Two from illness, two from old age. Nevertheless, its been hard on me, and why I’m still drinking tonight.

And all that said…pssssst…you must know, if you’re interested, in the last year I’ve reconnected with a dear friend who is now a minister of a church down in Washington State (Hillside Community Church). When I went to university back in the late 70’s down there, he got me involved in a — to this day — very reputable organization there which was called then, “Campus Crusade For Christ”. These days it’s called, “CRU”.

Anyway, my friend has been the pastor/minister of a church down in Washington State for the last 25 years now. During Covid I started tuning in to his services. I was SO happy to find him there (after almost 40 years) and I have been watching his services ever since. I recently renewed my passport and hope to go down to visit. It’s only a 4 hour drive from where I live. First on my bucket list!

My point is…only that I’m back, with renewed interest in getting off the bottle. If any of my previous followers are out there — please respond this! Your support and feedback is so much needed and appreciated. And if any new viewers see this…dare I to look back on my history here. It isn’t rosy. I’m not a flash in the pan success story here. I’m just a normal guy with a big drinking problem that is still plaguing me. I’m so grateful to still be in good health, still here, still kicking. Join me!

Blessings,

Nelson

Posted on by Nelson

Whoopee!

“Our life evokes our character. You find out more about yourself as you go on. That’s why it’s good to put yourself in situations that will evoke your higher nature rather than your lower.”– Joseph Campbell

This quote from the great Joseph Campbell has inspired me, to some extent. It’s shown me that the people I’m spending time with are not the best people for me to be around in the long, or even short, run.

But. But. But. I don’t know. Are we supposed to know? Who say’s? And why? I was in some way cursed with getting a university degree in Sociology. Sociology studies the effect, the influence, that the groups we are raised in, especially family and school, have on us, have on our thinking, our choices in life, our ultimate behaviour.

Few people break free from those chains. I broke free at a very young age, around 26 (I went to University on and off, until graduating in 1990 at age 30). Since breaking free, life has been very difficult. My plan was to get my graduate degree in Sociology and teach, but sadly that didn’t happen, because my marriage was falling apart during that time and going further in school became impossible.

Since then, and the dissolution of the marriage just a few years later, I’ve been living in “Survival Mode”. Barely living. Paying child support and alimony while working on a job that barely made ends meet….for the next 15 years. By then I was in so much debt, I had to declare bankruptcy, which relieved me of the debt, but kept me in debt to the Trustee for several years. All that ended only 10 years ago. I’m 62 now. Thank God I live in Canada, because I have zero retirement funds saved. There is a small guaranteed pension here in Canada, which for me will be around $1200 a month. No one can survive on that here.

On a positive note, while not very high paying, I love my current job! But, but, I’m not sure how long I can keep doing it because it demands a lot of physical work. So my future or any notion of retirement, means I may end up retiring into poverty, living in a government bed-bug infested housing complex with the small government pension that I’ll have.

So, ya…not a hell of a lot to look forward to at this stage of the game. My only hope is that if I quit drinking, I might gain enough of my mental acuity to find something to help secure a brighter future.

Still hoping for the best.

Nelson

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We will see…

I wish I could say that things are better, but they’re not. I’m maintenance drinking and hardly thinking — the nature of the beast.

What to do, oh what to do, seems beyond my reach, and yet, and yet I do beseech the God’s above, the God’s asunder, keep me wishing, with hope I wonder.

Will I make it? I just don’t know. All I wish for now is snow! It’s been so hot, this summer has, but this I know, I hate to shovel the God damn snow.

I’m doing my best, but this is it. Hardly progress, I have to say, but I’m still here, at least this day.

I’m hoping for a miracle. Could be! We will see, we will see.

Nelson

Posted on by Nelson · 2 Comments

What does it mean to write? 5 words. I heard of my eldest cousin dying today, the first of 9 or 10. Of a stroke, age 74.

We’ll all die at one point of course, of a stroke, or heart attack or just old age. I’m likely to die from my love for the bottle. I hope not, but that seems to be my almost inevitable course.

I really, truly, do hope not.

Nelson

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Dross…

This day is dross, it grows like moss and yet it goes a pitter-patter.

Why should I care, why should I dare, since it really doesn’t matter.

And yet, some say, I should care before I cast it all into the air, for the wind to take it where it will, this way or that without being still, for a moments grasp in desperation until it lands upon the station, of life lived, lost and left behind. Too much thought for this frail mind.

I am what I am, or I is what I is, as Popeye said, before he died upon his bed.

There really isn’t this or that or whatever else we think it this or that.

There is only what is, accept or not, not a damn thing upon which to hang our hat

Other than who we are and know down deep. And with that fact, now I’ll rest in sleep.